Friday, January 18, 2019

Hoo Boy. Was this a year. A review of 2018.

Remember back in January of 2018 where I dedicated my post to the dumpster fires that have been the last few years? Well, this past year was no exception. The world's still mostly shit, and I'm in the middle of what I'm certain is an existential crisis. So it's easy to say that it was a GREAT year. *sarcasm*

I mean, that's not to say that I haven't had some high points, but I didn't have that many. So when I start to look back and reflect, all I see is depression and a lost sense of direction. I've been trying to figure out what I can do improve and it hasn't been easy. I'm a creature of habit, but not in the way that would make my life successful. I'm a procrastinator, I'm messy and unorganized. That is my habit.

I'm going to start with the heavy stuff and get it out the way. On Friday, September 7th, mom and I made the incredibly difficult decision to say goodbye to Leia, our 16 year Boston Terrier. It was an extremely surreal experience that I'm not sure that I would want to go through again. It was, however, the best decision for her. Her quality of life had dramatically decreased over the last few months of her life, and it was time. I cried and cried and cried for days afterwards, because she wasn't there when I woke up, she wasn't there at the door when I got home, and she wasn't there for Ein to kiss. He was very confused for a few days afterwards, but he seems to be okay so far. He does sleep with her blanket quite often.

Christmas was particularly rough for me, because as I was going through bins and getting out decorations, I would find little things that were hers, like stockings, Boston-themed decorations and her sweaters. Thankfully, Ian was there to pick me up off of the floor because I was in a puddle of tears. I'm getting better, but every once in a while, something will trigger me and I just melt down. She came into my life right as my parents were separating, so she was there for me even when she didn't realize that she needed to be. Just having her around was usually enough for me. There is a fairly large hole in my heart that belonged to her, and still does, but not having her physically here is what keeps it fresh and bleeding. Always hug your fur babies tight, and give them all the love you can give.

There were a few other deaths that heavily impacted my year, but hers was by far the impactful. I do have a post outlined about death and dying, which I do want to publish sometime this year, and I'll be sure to place the appropriate warnings. For some reason (for me at least), I find death to be fascinating. It is inevitable, yet we do everything in our power to prevent it or slow down the process. It will either shake us right to the core of our being, or it will pass us by like a feather on the wind. When a death ends up effecting us more than we were expecting and vice versa. It just piques my interest.

I guess I just feel like there were a lot more setbacks than breakthroughs. Murphy's Law was in full effect, and it was relentless. I was working with my doctor to figure out the best medicine for my anxiety and depression, so that caused a LOT of emotional ups and downs. I bailed on friends more times to count because of this. Work was stressful, and Ian and I were trying to figure out where we stood in our relationship. Like I said, a LOT. I lived vicariously through friends who had a super successful and happy year, and cheered them on from the sidelines. To say I wasn't jealous would be lying, but I was extremely glad and proud of them for all they accomplished through the year. My frans are movin' on up, y'all!

I might as well close up this post with the stereotypical 'Goals for 2019' section. I don't really care for calling them 'resolutions,' because I feel that by doing so, the stigma surrounding it automatically sets the person up for failure. 'Goals' is a much better word to use. You're usually making a lifestyle change, so it's better to have mini-goals throughout your path to get to your final goal (if there is one!). If there's any particular goal that you're not sure how to get started on, or need some advice and/or motivation, I'm here to listen and help. I'll be glad to go for a walk or share my planner stickers with you! You can do this!!

So, in no particular order, here are my goals for 2019:

-Start hunkering down and paying off debt- I plan on using the snowball method, and also seriously cut back on unnecessary spending.

-Lose 40 lbs by eating better, exercising, and working on mindfulness to help alleviate stress and anxiety. Ian got me a Gravity Blanket for Christmas and it is LIFE CHANGING.

-Self Care. All the damn self care. I tried meditating a few times last year, and really felt like it helped me, so I'm going to try to do this more often.

-Get a Planner and actually keep up with the damn thing. I was at about 60% last year, so I'm really hoping to up that percentage this year.

-Reading. I want to rediscover my love for reading this year. I want to sit down and really think about my favorites and also why I've been getting burnt out faster than I normally do.

Thanks for reading all of my jibba jabba y'all. Let's make this last year of the Teens count. Because we're heading in to the New Roaring Twenties, and you best believe that there ain't no party like a Gatsby Party!!

via GIPHY

I mean, did y'all really think that I would talk about Gatsby and not include Bae?

Thursday, May 10, 2018

Thursday Morning Musings.

I feel like every time I start to get the urge to write is when it is most inconvenient to me. It strikes when I'm depressed, when I'm bogged down and busy, sick, etc. It's extremely frustrating because I know that I have it in me. I try to strike when the iron is hot, but sometimes I forget to wear heat-proof gloves and then I'm out nursing a toasted hand. Not sure which part of the body belongs to the metaphorical hand, but it's sizzlin' like bacon regardless. Right now, I can't guarantee how long this streak will last, but I am going to ride it out for as long as possible. There are so many ideas in here that I can't seem to keep them straight, but I want to get them out so they can grow and become what they are meant to be.

I'm reading everything under the sun right now. For some reason I thought that subjecting myself to 4 different reading challenges for 2018 was a great idea; I think I've only stuck to one. Womp. I do love a good reading challenge, however- it makes me read outside of my comfort zone (which is surprisingly large) and discover new worlds. I do plan on doing a handful of reviews towards the middle of the year and near the end. Both good and bad will be included, because I already have several DNFs on my list. SO BAD.

My schedule is particularly crazy for the next few weeks, so while I may not be on here, I am still getting things down in my paper journal. I have found that quite therapeutic recently. Summer Reading is upon us, and I must go.

Until next time.

Thursday, January 18, 2018

This .gif is life-changing

This .gif if the only reason for this post. It encapsulates everything about what I want to accomplish in 2018.

Wednesday, January 17, 2018

ERMAHGERD. SNERR DAY! H-Town Icepocalypse 2018

We had 2 snow days. Should've been Ice Days

As I started writing this post, it was 17 degrees. IT WAS WARMER IN ALASKA. WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK. But now, we are in the clutches of Snerr Day number 2. I use the term snow loosely. It snowed for all of 30 minutes yesterday and that was all. It's been ice and sleet the whole time. Ian and I journeyed out yesterday to Target and Whataburger. There were only a few places open for business, so it was slim pickins. I took a few pictures, but not that many. Ice looks the same no matter how many times you take pictures! Here are a few videos and a picture that I took:

This is ice on the curb near the cars. It looked like this all over, then it eventually turned to slush. then ice again. It wasn't too difficult to walk on, which was nice, because I had prepared myself for the inevitable. I just knew that I was going to slip and bust my ass. Some places had salt sprinkled on their walkways or available for people to use to get traction on their cars. We had ice on windows about a 1/16 of an inch thick, and the doors were almost frozen shut. It took us a while to get enough ice off just to be able to see out of the windows! It's times like these where I wish that we had a house with a garage! Just pull right out and not have to deal with the aftermath of the elements. One day. Until then, trusty credit card scraper to the rescue! It was great seeing all the different methods us South Texans used to get the ice off of our vehicles. Spatulas, vodka, credit cards, you name it; we used it.

The videos below are ones that I had made to send to my mom, but I think only one made it to her. The first one is when we ventured out to check the conditions and to get food. Our power had just went out, but was only out for roughly 20 minutes. The second one is when we were on our way home, and we saw that it was snowing super hard. Unfortunately, since it was still very wet and sleeting most of the time, the snow didn't stick like it did the last time. I also just realized that I never did a post for that day either! That day was incredible. I couldn't get over how beautiful everything looked. Even our apartment gates were beautiful!! But I digress...

Our water went out for about 4 hours today, right when I wanted to do laundry and take a shower. Luckily, it came back on, albeit being rusty. We're back at it again, making good use of this snow, er, ice day!

Ya'll stay warm out there!

Saturday, January 13, 2018

Here's to the dumpster fire that was 2016. Wait. 2017. Wait. WHAT.

via GIPHY

Sing it with me y'all. I'm on a HIIIGGHHHHWAAY TO HELL

Wow. What a year. Not only just for me, but the world. I tried watching highlight videos of 2017 events, and while they tried to have 50/50 happy/sad events, it was still overwhelming. I myself didn't have the best year. Don't get me wrong, I have happy moments too, but overall, it just felt meh. And yes, meh is a feeling.

I'm hoping that this year is better. Not just for me, but for everyone. The world. I know that's a stretch, but I want to it to happen. Even the assholes. Maybe they won't be such assholes. I dunno. Here's hoping! But as for me, I want to improve my mental health. Self care is going to be a big goal for me this year. I feel better than I have before in the past 2 years, and I can sense a change in myself. I want to do things for myself. I have a drive to do things that i haven't done in quite some time. I'm excited to see what I'll be able to accomplish and keep climbing out of the darkness. I'm ready. Depression is something that I don't normally talk about here, but it is something that I'll talk about in person. I've always been open about my struggles, even when I didn't know exactly what was wrong. After being diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and informally with depression, I was able to sit down and recognize the issues that I have been dealing with and what I can do the change my situation.

I find that I let myself get extremely overwhelmed too often which caused me to get frustrated and then i just shut down. It hasn't been a great time. I make up excuses to everything and anyone as to why I can't do something. It's a shitty thing to do, and I'm not proud of myself for doing it, but it was what my brain would allow me to do. I've been in this tug of war with my psyche and it been utter shit and I can't do it anymore. It's physically and mentally exhausting. I'm saying all of this for any sort of sympathy, but to bring awareness that this does happen, and that you can and will breath again. It will be OKAY. Please reach out, even if it's for just for information, and don't let anyone tell you that you don't need help. That's what happened to me. I had to swallow my issues for YEARS because of one person, and I hope to live to see the day that no one has to suffer from other people's ignorance. The stigma that still hovers over mental illness is ludicrous. It makes no sense. but of course, if you admit defeat, you're weak. And that's bullshit. You are strong. You are amazing. And you are worth it.

Yes, I know it's Stewart, but this is exactly what I want to express.

Now I realize that this post took a left turn at Albuquerque and didn't look back, but I'm leaving it this way. Because 2016 and 2017 were fucking dumpster fires.

MIDDY OUT.

Tuesday, January 2, 2018

Ways to make your boyfriend question your relationship #19

While Ian and I were at Fuzzy's Taco Shop for dinner, I was looking over Facebook while he was finishing dinner. I found a future releases list from Funko, and saw that they're making SNL pops. More importantly, Stefan, David S. Pumpkins (Insta-buy), and Will Ferrell BOC Cowbell guy. Most importantly, a 2-pack of...

DICK IN A BOX!!!

I don't know about you guys, but that's the perfect Christmas decoration! They can hang out next to my Christmas Vacation ones. Anyhoo, back to Way #19, as soon as I said out loud that Funko was making those pops, I immediately sang the entire Dick in a Box song. Like, the whole thing, complete with hand gestures and dance moves (whilst sitting). He just stared at me the whole time, and I just kept on going. When it was over, I asked, "Questioning being with me right now?" He replied with this half smile/half shrug laugh. Works for me! I had a great time singing the song. It's a classic!

In case anyone forgot how it goes:

Sorry for the shitty quality

Sidebar: For some reason, the video isn't on YouTube, so I had to flat out Google it. Lemme tell you how glad I was when I remembered to put 'SNL' in front of the search terms. I think that just searching "Dick in a box" would have turned out quite differently. *shudders*

Hope y'all had a great holiday season, and hopefully I'll be back with more ways to make your boyfriend question your relationship!

Middy