Saturday, March 5, 2016

Y'all mofos need Jesus. And a blinker.

I wish that this could/would be an entire post dedicated to road rage. I want it to be. But I just can't bring myself to do it. I may, however, interview you guys about your favorite "Middy's road rage incidents," because I know y'all have them. *cough* Mark *cough* I guess I can make this post about my driving pet peeves. I'm sure everyone will agree with me on all of these. And if you don't, stay the fuck out of my way when you're driving, because you're probably pissing me off already.

I've lost count of how many times this has been shown to me. It's like THEY KNOW.

Ready for the list? Remember, this isn't my ultimate list. This is just what's pissing me off the most right now. Feel free to add your own in the comments!! And away we go!

1. No blinker. -_-

The rage is strong with this one. Thanks for letting me know why you're slowing down for no reason for five minutes and then decide to get your life together and turn. Or, I'm just not going to let you know that I'm getting over and cut you off and go the same speed I was going in the slower lane. SFEEGG;VADSAFFWE;FJIO. Srsly. I remember back when I was taking Driver's Ed (you know, where you actually send your kid to be taught and avoid doing a shitty job trying to do it yourself. I'm sorry, I am all for parent driving tips and teaching some skills, but when it comes to the actual testing and learning, kids need to be in a neutral environment.), all my instructors stressed the importance of using your blinker. To the point where the owner came in and said (verbatim) "I don't care if you're involved in a roll over accident, but if your car is flipping over multiple lanes, you better have your blinker on to let people know that you are changing lanes." THAT WAS THE GREATEST THING I EVER TOOK FROM DRIVER'S ED, Y'ALL.

2. Super Slow people in the Fast Lane.

GET. THE. FUCK. OVER. No seriously. It is not your lane, you don't own it, so get the fuck over. If you look in your rear view mirror and see a line of cars behind you and no one is in front of you, get the over. Obviously you are going to damn slow. Really, I should rename this one, "If you're going too slow, get off of the road, and stay your ass home. Because that would make everyone's lives MUCH easier. I'm going to throw this one in this category too: If you pull out in front of some one, ACCELERATE. MOVE YOUR ASS. I love it when people pull out, but they pull out into the lane that you're not in, so you won't ram them from behind. I've lost count of how many times I've had to swerve, slam my brakes, and curse the drive into damnation. BECAUSE WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!?!

3. People who don't pull up far enough in the drive thru.

Either gimme my damn McGriddle or GTFO.

I have totally honked at people in the line at Starbucks. No really, several times. I don't get it. Why do people stay 1 car length behind the person in front of them? Is it because you think that some one is going to hit you so hard from the back end that you catapult into the person in front of you? MOVE THE FUCK UP. You're screwing up the flow of the line, and now I can't order because you won't pull up. Seriously. You're in the way of me ordering my Sausage McGriddle with no cheese, so Imma honk at you. HONK HONK HONK.

4. People who get over after you've passed them.

SERIOUSLY, BRO? SERIOUSLY?! You should've moved over when you saw me coming. I always give people a chance to move over. You should be constantly checking your mirrors for this exact reason. It's called defensive driving for a reason, fuckers. You know you should've gotten over, but did you? No, you didn't because you're either an oblivious asshole or just an asshole. I'm not sure which is worse. The verdict is still out on this one.

Accurate depiction provided by the Oatmeal

So yeah, this is what has been getting on my last nerve lately. Really the drive thru thing is what has been killing me, because it's just so fucking stupid. So hopefully I have succeeded in getting your heart rate up just a tad, because you started remembering events that you can relate to.


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