Remember back in January of 2018 where I dedicated my post to the dumpster fires that have been the last few years? Well, this past year was no exception. The world's still mostly shit, and I'm in the middle of what I'm certain is an existential crisis. So it's easy to say that it was a GREAT year. *sarcasm*
I mean, that's not to say that I haven't had some high points, but I didn't have that many. So when I start to look back and reflect, all I see is depression and a lost sense of direction. I've been trying to figure out what I can do improve and it hasn't been easy. I'm a creature of habit, but not in the way that would make my life successful. I'm a procrastinator, I'm messy and unorganized. That is my habit.
I'm going to start with the heavy stuff and get it out the way. On Friday, September 7th, mom and I made the incredibly difficult decision to say goodbye to Leia, our 16 year Boston Terrier. It was an extremely surreal experience that I'm not sure that I would want to go through again. It was, however, the best decision for her. Her quality of life had dramatically decreased over the last few months of her life, and it was time. I cried and cried and cried for days afterwards, because she wasn't there when I woke up, she wasn't there at the door when I got home, and she wasn't there for Ein to kiss. He was very confused for a few days afterwards, but he seems to be okay so far. He does sleep with her blanket quite often.
Christmas was particularly rough for me, because as I was going through bins and getting out decorations, I would find little things that were hers, like stockings, Boston-themed decorations and her sweaters. Thankfully, Ian was there to pick me up off of the floor because I was in a puddle of tears. I'm getting better, but every once in a while, something will trigger me and I just melt down. She came into my life right as my parents were separating, so she was there for me even when she didn't realize that she needed to be. Just having her around was usually enough for me. There is a fairly large hole in my heart that belonged to her, and still does, but not having her physically here is what keeps it fresh and bleeding. Always hug your fur babies tight, and give them all the love you can give.
There were a few other deaths that heavily impacted my year, but hers was by far the impactful. I do have a post outlined about death and dying, which I do want to publish sometime this year, and I'll be sure to place the appropriate warnings. For some reason (for me at least), I find death to be fascinating. It is inevitable, yet we do everything in our power to prevent it or slow down the process. It will either shake us right to the core of our being, or it will pass us by like a feather on the wind. When a death ends up effecting us more than we were expecting and vice versa. It just piques my interest.
I guess I just feel like there were a lot more setbacks than breakthroughs. Murphy's Law was in full effect, and it was relentless. I was working with my doctor to figure out the best medicine for my anxiety and depression, so that caused a LOT of emotional ups and downs. I bailed on friends more times to count because of this. Work was stressful, and Ian and I were trying to figure out where we stood in our relationship. Like I said, a LOT. I lived vicariously through friends who had a super successful and happy year, and cheered them on from the sidelines. To say I wasn't jealous would be lying, but I was extremely glad and proud of them for all they accomplished through the year. My frans are movin' on up, y'all!
I might as well close up this post with the stereotypical 'Goals for 2019' section. I don't really care for calling them 'resolutions,' because I feel that by doing so, the stigma surrounding it automatically sets the person up for failure. 'Goals' is a much better word to use. You're usually making a lifestyle change, so it's better to have mini-goals throughout your path to get to your final goal (if there is one!). If there's any particular goal that you're not sure how to get started on, or need some advice and/or motivation, I'm here to listen and help. I'll be glad to go for a walk or share my planner stickers with you! You can do this!!
So, in no particular order, here are my goals for 2019:
-Start hunkering down and paying off debt- I plan on using the snowball method, and also seriously cut back on unnecessary spending.
-Lose 40 lbs by eating better, exercising, and working on mindfulness to help alleviate stress and anxiety. Ian got me a Gravity Blanket for Christmas and it is LIFE CHANGING.
-Self Care. All the damn self care. I tried meditating a few times last year, and really felt like it helped me, so I'm going to try to do this more often.
-Get a Planner and actually keep up with the damn thing. I was at about 60% last year, so I'm really hoping to up that percentage this year.
-Reading. I want to rediscover my love for reading this year. I want to sit down and really think about my favorites and also why I've been getting burnt out faster than I normally do.
Thanks for reading all of my jibba jabba y'all. Let's make this last year of the Teens count. Because we're heading in to the New Roaring Twenties, and you best believe that there ain't no party like a Gatsby Party!!
